She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
