You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize