based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
