I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
