god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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