she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
