I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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