I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
