note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
