According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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