He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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