Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize