She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
