I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
