the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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