Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Randomize
