He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
