Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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