Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
