My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
