just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
