you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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