Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
