Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
