We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize