WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
