You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
