well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
