I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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