i think i have two assholes
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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