I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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