Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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