that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
