1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
