Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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