I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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