Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
