ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
