When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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