Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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