I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
