yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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