I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
