I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
