So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
