I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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