but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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