You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize