i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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