hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
