I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
