he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
