Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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