who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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