When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
