i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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