im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Someone shattered a urinal.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
